Perfection Vs. Imperfection
This is a random thought that finds its way to my head rather more often then I would like it to. As far back as I can remember, all my life has been in general a quest for achieving perfection, or at least what
I deem perfection, in something or the other. But the question that keeps surfacing every now and then is,
is it perfection that I crave for or is it the quest of perfection that i really want ?Do I really want to get to a point where I might feel that i am perfect or everything around me or in my life is perfect? Will that not be the end then, because if I have achieved my goal, i.e. perfection, will there be anything left for me to persue? I guess not. And if there is nothing more to persue in life, nothing to achieve, nothing to look forward to, would there be any motivation to live?
Same goes for all the questions that I keep seeking answers to. I keep telling myself that I am not happy because I dont have the answers and that leaves my mind/heart unsettled in some ways. So I think that if I find all the answers, I can probably live calmly, patiently and happily for the rest of my life. But is that really so? Say we assume that I was to find all the answers that I seek, what will my next step be? Will there be any reason for me to continue with this existance if there is nothing to look forward to? If there is nothing to chase, nothing to run after, does that existance not become dull, meaningless in itself and hence not worth having? Yet we feel we are not happy chasing something because we cant deal with the anticipation of catching it or the frustration of the failure in catching it.
But then it is a no-win situation isnt it?
If you persue a state of perfection ( no matter how you define it), then you know the end of that persuit is also going to be the end of all excitement and there will be nothing left ahead of it... so its the end of the road... so what do you do when you reach your goal? what then? what are you going to do when there'll be nothing left to chase? so in a way if you achieve your goal of perfection, you lose!
on the other hand, if you think getting to the end goal, achieving the perfection you seek so earnestly and so deligently will not really get you to a position which you want to be in, i.e. you understand the above situation of losing when you achieve your goal.... then why would you persue it with your full heart into it, with full excitement and with so much deligence if you know the end goal is not going to be worth achieving?
i am going in circles again as usual... when will i get to the center? but will i be happy or content when i do reach to the center? why am i chasing this feelings called 'happiness' and 'content' anyway? why are those feelings so damn important to me, to my existance?
circles circles circles... i keep going in circles... the hen or the egg? the egg or the hen? i am trully sorry if someone out there is reading this load of crap from my confused incapable brain! but my poor little brain just cant keep up with this existance, this world and well cant even keep up with itself!!
Mirror mirror!! - part II
well I could not really think of a better way to respond to the comments on my earlier post
http://azaya4guukan.blogspot.com/2005/06/mirror-mirror.html on this topic, then to write another post - well i could reply to the comments in that section, but their length would be enough to make another post anyway! so here i go...
soumya:'if u r under illusion then also u may be thinking that u r getting your realityur understanding of ur reality depends on the level of ur intellect which varies but ur reality always remains same'i think that there is a fundamental difference between your definition and
mine of
'one's reality' you are defining 'one's reality' (from what i understand of your comment) as some
ultimate truth - a fact - a static constant, defining that person in every way.
i on the other hand think of it as a relative term, that can be changed and is infact often changed.
And in my post in general, I meant that a person often relies on a
perception of one's self, which i defined as that person's 'own reality'. In all by the term
reality i meant a person's perception of things/ppl and themselves and hence asuumed/stated that it could be affected and/or corrupted by other factors and that a person's happiness often depends on this
reality- ones perception of one's self. Ofcourse here I am assuming a base line to which i am comparing this 'reality' to while saying that it gets corrupted- and
that base line is may be what you defined as 'reality'. I suppose that
'reality' like you said might not ever change - could be a constant... although i dont think i can make up my mind abt it just yet...
vora: 'Humans are social animals. They need to blend with the society and for this is is neccessary to blend yourself with the society.'you do speak like a true social animal... totally devoted to the concept of society... and i
dont necessarily mean that in any offensive or dismissive way... just stating my opinion on what you've said. However, I never really claimed that an individual's perception of himself is always necessarily accurate, infact that was what I was getting at that it might not be. And hence the question that since it is not accurate, how is one to know one's ownself, and is it actually possible to achieve the state of happiness that we keep seeking without actually knowing the accurate truth (as i hope i might put it) about ourselves?
'It is not wrong to do upto the stage that you don't forget the real you. 'the definition of the 'real you' is i believe the same as soumya's definition of 'reality' and that is what i am saying that we dont necessarily always know or understand.
vivhyd:'Why do you keep asking questions?? :))'i ask questions bcoz they arise in my mind and i am not very adept at shoving them in a corner or negelecting them or just accepting answers that happen to fall on my path just out of laziness or becoz of no hope of getting to the bottom of it.
'i don't think what u think of me is reality!!! :).. thts all i knw 'and i never said that what i think of you is or should be your reality (meainng your perception of yourself) i did separate one's perception of other ppl from
that person's perception of him/her self!
gary: boy this is definitely going to be a long one!! whooh...
'this should have been in my own blog......hee hee'well yeah may be you
shud've written ur own blog abt it instead of claiming 90% of my comments area like you did...haha.. but nonetheless i very much appreciate you putting ur thoughts out here for me and all others who read... thank you
'There are three perspective ways of looking at the same person ...'you have ofcourse defined in detail the three perspectives that i was talking about,
ones own reality - i.e. ones perception of oneself,
one's reality with respect to others i.e. how others see us (which very well may seem very real to them but could be entirely opposite of what you see yourself as)
and well the third one - this you define as the way in which "god" sees us, this i believe reffers to the truth basis or the 'reality' that both soumya and vora (at one point) are talking about. i do not wish to offend your beliefs or ideas but as you know i m not quite a believer in 'god' or such powers, not at least till I have some proofs or some reasons to do so. So lets just get out of
that discussion now shall we.. lets leave it for some more
braver times...
'It is just a game between your mind and your soul.'well i m not really sure i have any definite thoughts on this part quite yet (well do i have definite thougts on anything yet!! hahaha), i think there is an indication of there being two entities (sort of two forces that drive an individual) inside of each person - as you call it the mind and the soul, even the findings of the science dont deny that as of now. And your argument in that respect might as well be nearing some certain fact... although no
definite and
certain proof exists but with whatever little knowledge i have, i am lured into thinking that it might as well be probable. however, comming back to our discussion,
this game/fight inside of a person can not be used to decide what or who a person/entity is, meaning that the ultimate truth or the base reality cannot really be dependent on this, in fact it
should not be dependant on anything at all. Since we want to count it as the base, it has to be self-dependant, able to support itself shouldnt it? It should be able to stand alone as a fact, a truth, a static constant! Because if it is dependant on these choices/decisions/actions/thoughts then it is not a certain, it can and will keep changing indefintely and forever right?
Unless I can find reasonable, at least to satisfy my mind's capacity for reason, answers to these doubts, I cant really accept or agree to this answer so firmly and definitely as you do. However it could very well be a possibility to delve into or a starting point may be. Nonetheless, thank you for replying, its always good to hear ppl's thoughts,
and on a side note, it did bring out an interesting mystery to ponder upon, that of 'the mind and the soul'!
sorry about this late (and too lengthy if u ask me) reply, and to all who commented,
Arigatto Gozaimasu! (thank you - japanese).
Ah the sweet pleasure of BITCHING!!
Usually bitching is a common hobby a girls and even some guys! And I wont say that I am not one of them, I do drift in and out of this group of ppl deriving pleasure out of cursing or blaming someone else. However, I certainly dont like this hobby too much and do avoid getting involved in a group that is engaged in this activity. But it is rather contagious and also quite addictive I think. No matter who the person is that you are bitching with and no matter who/what it is that you are bitching about, it always leaves you feeling, if not completely, at least quite satisfied.
I have never really liked the whole concept, probably the values instilled in me made me that way, or may be it was natural. Ofcourse that didnt stop me from getting involved, sometimes out of frustration, sometimes out of no other way out but to be a part of it, and sometimes just out of pure temptation. However, I found myself recently engaged in just such an activity of bitching in general abt some of our surrounding environment and the way things are with a person I dont really like a lot, actually I kinda really hate that person. But I must admit I still enjoyed the whole bitching session as if some weight was lifting from my head for a while. And as soon as the person left me, I realized just what happened here and I was amazed at myself for engaging in that particular activity with that particular person and even more so for enjoying it.
Not that this is a huge matter, just some random unimportant rambling of my mind.
Am I my brother's keeper?
I am going to ask Cain's(Bible) question here...
Am I my brothers keeper?
I have read and heard the answer being stressed in an affirmative almost in every religion so far in one way or the other. I think I have been believing in it since I've known myself. Although this question does bother me every now and then, even though I try to push it away some way or other... Because I can accept the affirmative answer if I were also given the answer to the bigger question --
Why am I my brothers keeper?I know the whole concept of society is based on this one basic guide line of taking responsibility to watch out for and care for one another. And the ones who do not follow this rule/concept are considered outlaws/bad/evil etc... But I often wonder why... They are simply letting their instincts rule over their knowledge of society (fed to them by the society). I am sure the most basic instinct of any creature is self-survival and I guess that is what they follow. I know if every human were to follow these instincts then there would be no civilization or rather no, actually thats why civilization is there.
When individuals looked after themselves then only the physically/mentally stronger survived, but then the weak joined together and found out that they could outdo one strong individual and survive... and may be thats why society came about...
Although one might say we are moving forward, from caveman to civilization, are we actually moved forward? The most basic instinct of self-survival is still there in each one of us, whether we reside in a jungle or in a city.
So now that I have tried to answer both of my questions, in which I of course could be totally and utterly wrong, but right not from where I am standing this does seem logically correct. Now I wonder why would we call this instinct of being a social animal for our own survival as being a 'good/kind/generous' etc... and call those who go against its rules as bad/evil....
But then again, we have all heard stories and some have had the pleasure of wittnessing people who have actually given their life for someone else. This of course has been defined as love/sacrifice etc... but this is not easy to understand, the feeling that makes you forsake your survival for anothers... yet it exists... and for these ppl I dont think I can relate the answers that I just made up... they dont fit the concept of self-survival at all... so then there is some flaw to the logic in the answers above, I guess, but what is it?
I think I am getting all cought up and cant think too far right now, so must continue this later...
Does life really go in a circle?
Well now i am hoping that it does coz life sure has been taking me from good to bad to worse....and so on.... and i am hoping that it will take me the reverse way to good again...
i really shouldnt be wasting time writing blogs right now but just came across something i wrote quite some time ago and it just got me thinking and i had to put it down somewhere...
well the thing that started me think was....
Memories of a burier friend...
There was someone I knew
Someone so vastly different from me
she used to run after dreams
try to catch the moon, even the sun
She used to believe in dreams
believe in miracles, someday even expect one
She used to believe in God
believe in good and was afraid to lie
She used to ride on the clouds
fly with the wind and even touch the sky
She was in love with love
and hated hate even without knowing hate
She used to think so much
fight for the right and even fight with fate
We- the two of us go a long way
and I loved her as much as I hated myself
And would've loved to keep her safe-
but time is a stronger force
and so she's gone-
As I look back I realise
how she withered away like a flower~
I didnt water.
She's burried deep now... resting in peace
But there's a void in this house
that she left, one that cant be fileed
untill the flower blooms,
untill I dig her out of the grave.
......welll i know its not a very elegant way of putting it, but i think this is a memory that most of us share... of just quite such a friend....i just hope not all of us have burried that friend....
and for those like me, i hope life turns a full circle and brings back the old friend alive..
or is it that as life passes me by, it keeps chipping away a little life from me as it touches me and I die little by little and the process is irreverisble...and I will never be as alive again as in the beginning... this does seem more logical now doesnt it...
neways.. NEED to get back to work right NOW!!
Mirror mirror!!
mirror O mirror, tell me who is the prettiest of them all?
mirror is an interesting way of reflecting upon yourself... you come face to face with the being around whom your life revolves- YOU! and then you ask all these questions when you face yourself.... And the answer that they get is what their reality is. Your reality of existance and life is made up by what you see when you look at the reflection in the mirror.
What others think of you could also be a reality, and could certainly affect your reality if you let it, however that reality is not yours. It is their reality, in relation to you. Just like the way you perceive someone else is your reality in relation to that person and not necessarily that persons reality.
Often one, tending to be a social creature tries to blend one's own reality with the reality of this society, the people. Although I have always tried not to, I cant say that at some point or other I havent tried to 'fit in' - try to judge my reflection in terms of the influences of the society and world. But I have come to realise that.. to seek what one always seeks throughout one's existance- happiness.... what one sees in one's reflection should be unaffected by all those influences, it must remain pure... because that is what forms ones life... it is the base of ones life ... it is the core... and if that is affected, corrupted then the whole being, one's life, one's reality..everything is corrupted...
but it always slips by... something somewhere always slips by... and it is always corrupted... and i wonder then how is one to find happiness if the base of the structure has been weakened by corruption?
What Where Why?
These are the main questions that arise in my mind every now and then.
What am I doing
Why am I doing it
Where am I going
And I think these are the most fundamental questions that arise in ones mind... the ones that generally dont lead to any definite answers... at least in my case. I keep going in circles making up stories and theories abt it, but never reach some point of a reasonable theory with some proof to back it up.
And it is at that point when I literally have to fight myself to stay alive (now now.. that doesnt mean i'll commit suicide... i m not much of a fan of that act.. and i dont even have the courage to take a knife and cut my wrist... but mostly when i relate these feelings to any one they jump to the conclusion that i m suicidal...which i most certainly am not... losing the will to live and commiting suicide are not equivalent!! at least in my dicitionary....anyways..)
I mean my heart suddenly feels heavy as if it sunk to the bottom of the ocean... and its kinda hard to breath... my surroundings just go dark... my body feels like its all tied up with heavy chains and i cant move...
i have tried writting this feeling down.. made some sketches outta it... thinking that may be if i just put it out there i would feel a bit relieved and feel lighter.. and i do, but only temporarily. this feeling just has a way to come back and back and back again!! but i try to put it out there coz i think that may be if someone else out there saw it, knew it, -- may be someone cud come save me...
ha ha... what a fool.. i then realise that i dont need to be saved by anyone.. i mean, from what do i need to be saved? i have a perfectly healhy, complete body, can feed it well, have a roof over my head, have great family and friends to support my emotional needs... what do i need to be saved from?? what am i trying to run from ? but then there is this more important question of : what am i trying to run to?? and not having an answer to that is what leads to that whole feeling i have... and noone has the answer to that question i think.. so no one can save me even if i pleaded them to... i mean... who has a perfect answer to where they are going in life and what they are getting at... but then again.. may be they do.. may be i am the only one lost here... but my problem arises more from my need to back up the answers with facts and reason and proof!! which most ppl lack to have!
but i still keep putting the questions out there hoping to find some answers..
what is it that you are doing in life
what do you want out of life
why should some one fight the inevitable... i mean u spend the whole life just fighting to survive, to live... but the end is still the same... for you for me for everybody... death... then why fight to survive...
there has to be a reason for it.. there must be... coz every creature unanimously fights for survival..even the most hopeless ones... and each one is equally aware of the inevitable... then why? i want to know the reason... i must know the reason.. coz not knowing it is what causes me to feel so stuck in this dark confined confused agitated depraved helpless state of mind! i mean if i dont know why i am fighting for something, how can i encourage myself to give my best for it?
